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07 Sep 2007 08:27 pm

Queer Eye For The Jihadist Guy

Dear OBL,

Just like yours, my beard has been getting a little gray on the chin and sides recently. And it really does age one. I'm not sure those 72 virgins have much of a choice in the matter but unless they have a grand-daddy fetish, you're probably not looking too hot these days. I know how you feel. I guess I grew resigned to it as I entered my 40s. Graying bear-dom or aging twink? Not a tough call - and my husband actually has a thing for salt-and-pepper types. And when I'd seen guys with dyed beards, I'd concluded it was useless trying to resist anyway. They all looked like someone had stuck a paint-brush on their chin. Which, I'm sorry to say, is a little close to your latest vlog-cast.

But all is not lost, your Mullahship. A little experimentation at the local CVS can work wonders. Or click here for help. Pick a color close to your own - dark brown or black, I'd say, in your case (95 - 100 on the JFM scale) - and dab just a little, just to take the edge off, no more. If in doubt, use less. If you fade it in slowly and gently over time, most people won't notice. But be careful or one lazy dye-job will be with you for weeks. Leave Just For Mullahs on for three minutes max and then rush to the shower or waterfall or whatever you're using at the moment. Presto. Your next video can blend back toward the whole 2004 look. It's a shame you blew it, of course, with the latest disaster. But image is reparable. Look at Hillary. With time, there's hope.

The alternative theory, of course, is that you're actually working a clean-shaven look, and wearing a false beard for security reasons. Sorry, but no excuse, Bin darling. There are plenty of good false wigs and beards available. They're not all uniform black - and even if that's all you can find, you can finagle something a little subtler than the toilet brush you've got stuck on your face right now. If you can't find someone to help in Kandahar, try Ptown. But come during bear week. If you put on a few pounds, you'll blend right in.

(Photo: Brian from Plunderbund.)

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